Life is painful.

        Reflecting on my Facebook postings, I realize things are changing. I grew up playing with toy guns that were incredibly real looking.  I grew up knowing my father served in war.  I feel I have developed empathy for gun violence, not cheering for mindless war movies.  But, I do appreciate the design and firepower of weapons.  They appeal to me.  Looking at the role of gun violence in American history, I feel a need to understand.  Why do young white men (predominately) feel the need to walk up to complete strangers and do so much damage?  I know the songs, I listen to alternative music, and teenage angst is something I remember.  I haven't been able to watch the news coverage of the shooting largely because I can't stand the thought of children that are the same age as my child will not come home.  My worlds need to be separate for my sanity, and the loss of my children would devastate me.  The classroom training for shooters versus my own children involved... that is a line I can't cross.  In this event, I refuse to try to grasp what happened.  The spin is not what I am interested in. 
        In the aftermath, this Sunday night, as the President of the United States travels to see the families, the local news broadcasts a story about an uptick in gun sales.  The line crosses my mind, and my apologies if anyone truly takes this to heart, but in my sarcastic mind, "if only those teachers/kids would have had guns."  When we see tragedy, we determine not to be a victim.  When we see pain, we turn it in to anger.  Turn the other cheek went a way a long time ago.  Our souls are tarnished, and we now embody the Punisher and Wolverine much more than Jean Grey and Captain America.  We have become the Phoenix.  Look what became of her.  Gay marriage and pornography will not destroy our culture as quickly as guns.  No, not as long as bullets are so cheap, and I have a right a civilian M-4.  Sociologically, we are all interconnected.  What is causing this phenomenon? 


Additional Note:  Survivor takes a moment for silence.  Every show has done something.  Who is this for, exactly?  And what of the others who died in the last week from gunshots?  What makes Newtown newsworthy?  The children, the number?  For me, personally, it is the age of the kids.   The proximity to my own children.  The thoughts that I don't want to have.  And, what becomes of the community in the next few weeks? When do the prayers stop?